It was a bit steep, especially so many hours into the flight, but I paid it. The privilege of sleeping on these two seats cost me $43.
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She clicked a few buttons on her little portable register. I asked what the charge would be in US dollars. I pulled out my American Express card and said “credit, please.” She smiled and took my card. She knelt down, and asked how I wished to pay. Moments later, another, kinder and prettier flight attendant arrived next to me. She strutted up the aisle without another word toward the rear of the plane. I sat up, nodded, and said “Fine, I’ll pay.” All I wanted, for crying out loud, was some uninterrupted sleep on the flight. “Sir, what are you doing? If you don’t pay, you have to return to your seat.” At this point, I was ready to smack her in the face. She tapped my shoulder again, this time harder. I said “fine, whatever,” and rolled around. “If you want to sleep in these seats,” she said, “you’ll have to pay extra.” I was exhausted.
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She had become the bane of my existence on this flight. What felt like hours later, but was only mere minutes, the blonde woman again shook me awake. I plugged in my headphones, chose something to play in the background, and curled up into a ball. I collected my blanket, pillow and headphones, and snuck across the aisle into my new paradise. Across the aisle to my right, two men had changed their seating and I was now staring at two empty seats. I used the lavatory, drank some water, and returned to my seat. I woke up, again, this time on my own, and got up to stretch a little bit in the aisle. In my opinion, if there’s a problem on a plane, there’s very little that can be done to avert disaster. If it’s just holding my waist down, and not my upper body, then it’s just going to hurt me. These seat belts on these planes are just ridiculous, like the ones on a school bus. It’s different than a motor vehicle seatbelt, which actually has a locking mechanism and has saved lives. Sure, I understand not smoking on the plane and not opening the emergency latch mid-flight if there is no emergency. Airplane safety, to me, seems like a bit of a joke. If anything, it’s just there to keep me in my seat for an extra half second while I pull the clip up to release it. Rant about airplane safety: I’ve been on enough planes where I feel comfortable saying that, if anything were to happen, Gob forbid, that seatbelt that’s buckled across my lap is going to do nothing for me, especially not save my life. Her response: “For your safety, it should be on at all times.” REALLY? You felt it necessary to wake me up to to check that my seatbelt was buckled under my blanket? You suck at your job. But, the seatbelt light wasn’t even on, which I pointed out to her. Next, a couple of hours later, she woke me up to make sure my seatbelt was on.
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Well, as fantastic as it gets on a plane. I managed the near-impossible task of falling asleep before we ever even rolled away from the gate, but she had to ruin what had the potential to be some fantastic sleep. You know, because if a pillow gets loose in the cabin during takeoff, that’s real trouble. First, she felt it necessary that my pillow be behind my back instead of in my hands on my lap. Not the crew as a whole, but particularly the one (of many) blonde stewardess(es) who woke me up four times (FOUR!!) within two and a half hours. The crew on the Virgin Atlantic flight from Logan Airport in Boston to Heathrow Airport in London was the worst.